Thursday, 18 October 2018

Glad I was there

After mum died
and we were certain
no more in-breaths would arrive
we sat awhile
held in a new space
of unknowing

after
we called the nurse
who called the doctor
who called the undertaker
who took her away
hidden in a black enclosed bag.

After mum died
we walked out into
the cold winter night
I don’t remember much.

We went for chips
and the man who served us
asked if we had had
a good evening.
What could we say?
We didn’t want to load
our sadness onto him.
We muttered vaguely
it was ‘different’.
We couldn’t explain. 

Before mum died
I was scared
afraid to approach her
not wanting to be there
at that imagined moment
when everything changes.

Before mum died
I believed
she would live forever
because your parents
are always there

aren’t they?

Despite the illness
despite the frailty
despite the wheelchair
I still wanted to believe
she would live forever

despite all the signs
to the contrary. 

As she died
time stood still
the world stopped turning
everything held its breath
waiting for the next inhale
that never arrived.

As she died
I felt a peace
that was not there
before
or after
(for a long time).
I knew a certainty
everything was ok.

As she died
I was glad
her suffering was ended
she carried no more pain.

As she died
I was glad
we were there
to witness
a new space
of unknowing
to witness
a peace indescribable. 

After mum died
the world fell back into place
with a piece missing.
We had become orphans
and didn’t know how to behave.

After mum died
the world looked the same
and everything was different.

As she died
I knew aright
there is no birth and death
there is only flow of breath
ebb and flow
like the ocean’s waves.

She is alive in me
she is half of me.
I knew aright
in that moment

 and then the world returned
with all its pain and sorrow
grief and loss

but I had witnessed
as I was there.

© 18 Oct 18




Work new muscles

What does honesty say?

many self-critical voices
lurking in shadows
I have learnt not to
pay attention to these
whispering voices
self-supporting
self-aggrandising

not a kind or generous
word
between them.

When did honesty
equate with harshness?
Does it have to be so?

Too much negative brain-bias
a default setting
a muscle memory

Let’s work new muscles
compassion
generosity
kindness

feeding a soul
instead of
depleting it.

Choose
to bring these
centre stage
choose
a loving approach.

We are all vulnerable
all easily hurt
building facades
protecting ourselves.

Harshness shores up
the fake outer
kindness dissolves the façade
strengthening the inner
each generous, kind word
a pebble
building a solid structure
a compassionate soul.

Does honesty
equate with harshness?

It doesn’t have to be so.

© 15 Oct 18

Wednesday, 17 October 2018

Your hands

Your hands
are the
drawbridge
to your heart

closed
impassable
impenetrable

no soft caresses
no cheering hugs
no soothing strokes
rejection
harshness
closed

no welcome
no smile
no joyous greeting
no one may pass

And now?
worn
wrinkled
lonely?
Who takes care of you?

© 16 Oct 18

Thursday, 11 October 2018

Overspill

This week I began an online poetry course with the great title of poetry for inspiration and wellbeing. It's a great start! For our first writing prompt we were invited to reflect on 'that time you hurt me more than you will ever know'. Here is the poem that came from that prompt, recognising that in protecting ourselves we can hurt others, and often vulnerable young others who don't understand!

Overspill

Was it a deliberate act
of pushing away?
Or a habitual response
to someone getting too close?
Did you mean to cause
so much pain
so much upset?

A child doesn’t understand
the pain of adulthood
how your emotions spill out
to wound another.

Now
from a distance of decades
I can rationally reflect
that you couldn’t control
the overspill.

Your way of coping
was retreat
to refrain from getting hurt.

Yet I have my own
overspill
to contend with.
Even now
with the distance of decades
my overspill is tears
that will not be contained.

Was it a deliberate act
of pushing away?

© 8 Oct 18

Wednesday, 10 October 2018

Ancestors

I see you behind me
I see you before me
shadowy figures all
made of earth
water
fire
air
space.
Indistinct and unformed
I cannot say what is me
and what is not me.

We are all warmed by the same sun
all fed by one earth
all caressed by the same breeze
all nourished by the same rain.

Hold my hand.
Lead me on the path yet formed
becoming with each footstep.

We are all droplets bouncing
down one stream
all stones working together
to create one huge monument
all leaves being danced
in one gusty breeze.

We cannot see the patterns we create
the marks we leave.
Yet the stars and the moon see
and clearly delight
in the beauty of unity forming
before them
just as we delight in the patterns
they form on the sharp autumnal night.

Through our physical eyes
we see difference
through our hearts we see
unity and oneness.

Knowing from the heart
all is me
nothing is not me.

© 6 Oct 18

Tuesday, 9 October 2018

Sewn into the depths of our heartspace

Be not overcome by despair
see the strength that is born
from suffering.
See the mountain
bravely receiving
rain, hail, searing sun, wind and storms
unflinching
not turning away.

See the fragile flower
bending beneath
rain, hail, searing sun, wind and storms
unflinching
unbreaking.

Hear the child reminding the adults
of their human duty
to care for the earth
to provide a safe environment
and a promise of a future.

Remember who you are
born of the stars
a child of the Ultimate dimension.

Sewn into the depths of our
heartspace
is a pledge
to care for the earth
and all of its inhabitants
two legs, four legs
many legs, no legs
to leave a legacy of beauty
and endurance
for those who are to come.

Sewn into the depths of our
heartspace
is an inherent need
to care for
all forms of creation
this bird that is my mother
this horse that is my brother
this river that is my sister.

We are all one family.
Learn to help all kith and kin.
Lift not a hand in violence
against even the smallest insect!

Together we weave
one great tapestry of life.

© 3 Oct 18

Monday, 1 October 2018

I am here

A new month
a new beginning.
Are there any new words
anything to say that has not
been expressed before?

I am here.

I am here in this new moment
that hasn’t been lived before
hasn’t been known till now.
Keep the eyes open
keep the senses peeled
ready to receive the signs of the
universe saying ‘hello’.

Certainties and knowing
fly out of the window
they cannot survive in so
fresh and new a space.

I am here
a breathing being
whole and pure.
Dweller of earth and sky
sister of moon and stars
daughter of the earth
this beautiful, nourishing
forgiving earth.

I am here.
I am here in this moment.

This moment is a butterfly
free and beautiful, fluid
dancing in space.
Camouflaged on earth
its true beauty hidden.
See how its colours are revealed
as it flies
as it opens itself up and
dances in space.

I am here.

© 1 Oct 18